Mission Accomplished

Top 12 Funniest Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

1. Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

2. Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

3. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

4. When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

5. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

6. I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

7. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

8. If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

9. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

10. And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

11. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

12. I have a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.

Top 55 Tech Quotes

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

10. -{----- The information went data way --------[

11. Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression

12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.

15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

16. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

17. C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.

23. E Pluribus Modem

24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny

26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?

29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

36. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

40. All computers wait at the same speed.

41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

42. Go ahead, make my data!

43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

46. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!

55. Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...

Top 8 Greatest Tech Quotes

1. Someone once said a million monkeys using a million keyboards could reproduce the complete works of William Shakespeare.Thanks to MySpace, we now know that to be entirely false.

2. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.

3. The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

4. Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

5. UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

6. Software is like sex: It's better when it's free.

7. Cool people are just idiots wearing pricy clothes.

8. What do people mean when they say, "The computer went down on me."

Famous Quotes

"When Alexander the Great visited Diogenes and asked whether he could do anything for the famed teacher, Diogenes replied: 'Only stand out of my light.' Perhaps some day we shall know how to heighten creativity. Until then, one of the best things we can do for creative men and women is to stand out of their light."
- John W. Gardner


"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last."
- Winston Churchill


"I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now."
- Anonymous

Top 10 Love Quotes

10) Passionate love is a quenchless thirst.
Quote by Kahlil Gibran.

9) Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.
Quote by Lisa Hoffman.

8) Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love,
time is eternity.
- Quotes by Henry Van Dyke.

7)Love is a canvas furnished by Nature
and embroidered by imagination.
- Love Quotes by Voltaire.

6) Love is an energy - it can neither be created
nor destroyed. It just is and always will be,
giving meaning to life and direction to goodness...
Love will never die.
Quotes by Bryce Courtney.

5) Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength
while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Quotes by Lao-Tsu.

4) Tell me who admires and loves you,
And I will tell you who you are.

3) Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

2) You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.
- Hermann Hesse Famous Love Quotes

1) I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
- Robert Fulghum

Video - Bill Maher New Rules 4/20

Bill Maher's commentary on the new phenomena of disappearing bees.

Funny Quotes

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
- Thomas Edison Funny Quotes and Sayings


The greatest cunning is to have none at all.
- Carl Sandburg Funny Sayings

Famous Funny Quotes

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.
- Contributed by Douglas Novack


I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
- Famous quote by Susan B. Anthony

Chris Rock Quotes

When LIFE asked comic Chris Rock if America is ready for an African American president, Rock tells LIFE:

"It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?"