Top 12 Funniest Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

1. Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

2. Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

3. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

4. When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

5. One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

6. I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

7. A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

8. If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

9. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

10. And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

11. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

12. I have a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.